On the 4 of March the Nelson Weet-bix tryathalon took place. Me and my family got up at 6:30 by by noisy alarm! Of course Ashley and I had weet-bix for breakfast. When the whistle went to go I started running as fast as I can into the water, water was SPLASHING into my face. Me, Olivia, Anna and Julia were leading the swim. I was trying to swim but went Olivia was kicking all the water was going into my face! Finally I got to the end of the swim I was trying to run fast but it was hard because my legs were so tired for swimming. When I got to my bike I started peddling as fast as I could. I was parsing a lot of people and a lot of people were parsing me! When I got of my bike to start running my legs were wobbly. My hreat was bumping so SPEEDING fast! When I got close to the finish line I started to run like a SPEEDING rocket. I ran throw the finish line and got my meddle and a cold drink of water and went to see my family! It was a great day!!!
By Georgia
Great use of excellent photographs to go with your writing.
ReplyDeleteAn extremely expressive title Georgia, I love it! Spelling and punctuation are fairly accurate, so the reader is able to understand your writing easily. There are some words missing, or added and some background information is missing (who is Ashley - I know but do our overseas' viewers?) which interferes with your writing making sense. Paragraphs are another way to make it easier for the reader to follow your writing.
ReplyDeleteI like the way you've written in a 'go, go, go' style just like the tryathlon. You are also choosing expressive language to paint a picture with words (eg, I started to run like a speeding rocket"). Work on using language and vocabulary more precisely (eg, "When the starter's whistle sounded I started running as fast as I could towards the water").
Teach